Monday, November 18th, 2013

How do you tell someone you love that you'd rather be left alone than be by their side? How do you tell someone how hard they make you cry even though they work so hard to make you happy? How do you tell someone the eventuality they're too blind to see? I cleaned my face once again and hoped to be enough, I'd be crying for so long and so little. I swallowed the words i meant to say and saved them for another time. The comment that felt like a knife deep inside of me only proved what my paranoid heart suspected. The words were so far inside I worried i could never say them out loud without spilling out all the horrible thoughts, or all the times i carved my nails into my arms to stop me for saying what I would regret. Maybe some words are better left unsaid. Maybe they're better on the pages of a dirty page or lost on the internet, where it's just me and my computer. I feel like... I cringe, i must not say. I feel like you're using me. Compensating for the wrongs you've made, the nightmares you've lived and the past you'd rather not have. I could be your gateway, a turn on the road, where you could have a new background as you walk through the dust. I cannot handle more baggage, I'd rather not add "used" to the long list painted on my skin. You will realize that you don't really love me, you love the idea of me and what the fresh start i represent. I'd rather if you realized it by yourself so I wouldn't have to tell you.  

This must end, but no tonight. Tonight, I'll settle for a smile, a kiss and "I love you" that sounds more like a goodbye.